The following is a a discussion adapted from the final chapter of the book “Sticky Faith” by Dr. Kara E. Powell & Dr. Chap Clark. As you read, please keep in mind that this is from the final chapter and the preceding chapters covered a lot of best practices, practicals and extensive research. Therefore, this is written with the underlying assumption that many of the parents in our fellowship are, practically speaking, doing the best they can to put their kids in a position to see God.
The parents from the Y&F ministry here in Southern CT cover a different chapter each week. If you are interested in being a part or starting a group like this, please DM us via instagram @soconn.church
We recommend having a notepad next to you as you go through this so you can write down your answers to the questions.
Question to Get Started:
Think of a time you struggled in your faith journey. A time you had some serious doubts, walking away from God, questioning everything. What were some of the reasons you came back?
When Kids “Drift”
Most kids will drift from the faith of their parents. In fact, based on the research, you should count on it.
And guess what?! There are some healthy aspects to “drifting”.
Q: Take a moment to reflect on what you think are some healthy aspects of “drifting”?
- Wrestle with truth in an authentic way
- Ultimately making a free will choice
- A very grounded and firm faith
Life and parenting are anything but raft on the lazy river! It is a turbulent, scary, wild ride with many hidden rocks.
Stages
The following is absolutely a non-scientific oversimplification, but you get the gist.
Really young
You pray with them, you read with them, you record those early memories of them loving Jesus, it all seems so simple sometimes when it comes to spoon feeding them your faith. It is often not the passing of our faith that is the biggest point of contention at this age!
In Middle School
One week they love the Teen Devotionals and the next week they are “boring”!
In High School
It is much less about “what” we are going to do at a Teen Devotional or Church even and much more about “who” is going the be there! Especially if there crush is going to be there!
When your child enters adolescence it is no longer your faith that sustains them. They begin that abstract thought and identity formation where they begin to wrestle with big concepts and try on different identities.
View the way you are raising them as the school master before they meet and choose Jesus:
Galatians 3:23-27
23 Before the coming of this faith,[j] we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed. 24 So the law was our guardian until Christ came that we might be justified by faith. 25 Now that this faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian.
26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
You are just trying your best to put them in a position to make their own choice to see Jesus. The same way the Old Testament did for the Jews. Ultimately, they still have to make the choice.
Don’t Withdraw Love and Affection
Teens know they are difficult and they know they can’t control those huge emotions. They are used to people not wanting to be around them and abandoning them on this journey. This journey can be super lonely for a Teen (even though they would seldom admit it).
One of the most important things you can do is be consistently loving toward them.
Consider writing some affirmations and putting them in a picture frame:
“I have a son/daughter
When he/she disappoints me…I love him/her
When he/she lies to me…I love him/her
When he/she doesn’t live up to my expectations…I love him/her
When he/she reflects poorly on my name…I love him/her
I do all of this for a very simple reason:
I am her Mother/Father and he/she is my child
You can insert your own “when he/she…”
Q: What are the times you are most tempted to withdraw love and affection?
The Parenting Dilemma
This is the dilemma:
Our kids know how much we want them to take their faith seriously, but we know that it is meaningless unless they choose it for themselves (read that again).
Ugh! The tension of those two truths!
When Teens feel too much pressure they can resort to some bad behaviors:
- Kids can be silent about their thoughts
- Lying or pretending to be leaning into their parents direction
- Getting fed up with the pressure altogether and rebelling
“They Are Changing!”
Q: When you made the transition from childhood to adulthood what did your parents do well and what not so well? Where do you see yourself repeating the good and the bad?
Many parents see their kids begin to change. “He/she is changing” can be a scary and frightening thought! This is when we must fight to remember: this is necessary to ultimately help them settle into their faith at last.
As they grow up they are trying to pull together a wide variety of messages, expectations, and agendas that are seeking their intention.
Remember all those nights praying with them when they were young, teaching them about God, family devotionals, getting advice, helping them form great spiritual friendships and putting a team of mentors around them was not in vain! Your investments are not in vain and all the groundwork you have laid will truly help them navigate it all!
2 Types of Fear
- Healthy Fear: Keeps us on our toes, helps us see warning signs, helps us notice cues.
- Unhealthy fear: Fear without faith & trust in God
How do you know if you have fear without faith? Here are some symptoms:
- Reacting rather than responding
- Controlling rather than guiding
- Forcing rather than shaping
- Dictating rather than listening
Most of us will experience the former type of fear at least sometimes, but remember this type of fear can keep us from being available and present for our kids.
It’s a Marathon Not a Sprint
Don’t be deceived, your anger, overractions, emotional locking of horns, and desperate pleadings CANNOT withstand the power of the developmental process of going from child to adult.
1 Peter 3:15
15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,
The scripture is not just for the people we are reaching out to, it is also for us as we communicate God to our kids!
What matters more is who your child is when they are 30 (and beyond), not when they are 12 or 16 or even 23.
Parenting is a marathon so pace yourself.
Q: Is there anything you think you may be doing that is causing your kids to pull away?
Your Faith Matters
How you express your faith is what matters! They will remember the times they walked into your room and left because you were praying, the times you had your Bible open, the people you hosted in your home, the way you interacted with the homeless person near you. They will remember how you love God much more than the hill you died on with them last week!
They need to see you living a certain way because the love of Christ is compelling you.
This is what makes the greatest impression on our kids! Leave that legacy with your kids.
Lifelong Friendship
Think of things now as building a lifelong friendship, not just getting them baptized before High School graduation. You probably know this, but we can’t force our kids to replicate our faith. All we can do is our part to put them in the best position possible to see Jesus.
Fight to not obsess and micromanage when you see them drift.
Some Examples of Fearful Micromanaging:
- “If so and so would just get some time with them, they would see God”
- “If that really cool family from Church could just come over, that would turn it around”
- “If I can just get them to come to that Church service”
Not to say these things can’t be “the thing” that makes the difference, but often, this is “all or nothing” type of thinking that can be very stressful for a parent and exasperating for a child.
All of those things mentioned are good to do as proactive planning (already built into your lifestyle), but not as an emotional response to an unhealthy level of fearfulness.
Some quotes from the book on what it looks like to not trust God with our kids:
“I pray, and weep, and journal, then drive to work fretting, bothered, bothered, and even angry”
“I imagine the most destructive outcome of any decision or situation:
“and most of all, I sneak and scheme to manipulate circumstances that surround my kid, seeking to protect when I am actually getting in the way of their own need to learn and grow.”
(Sticky Faith, p.189)
Yikes! Well I guess I am a failure, right?! No, you’re a human being deeply loved by God who also can feel an incredible peace by trusting Him! (Easier said than done, right?)
Think about it, micromanaging often indicates a lack of trust. Think about when a boss begins to micromanage people, it is often because they do not trust the person to get the job done (or they just think no one can get it done like them). Sometimes when we micromanage, it is because we do not trust God to get the job done.
Based on research, restoration occurs through real, authentic relationships. Them knowing you are there for them and seeing how Jesus is moving in your life will do more than any arm twisting.
Q: What do you think right now, in this moment, your kid needs most from you to explore their faith without carrying the burden of what you want?
Finding Comfort Through Hard Times (3 Things)
Even with all the practicals and advice, parenting can still be so scary and frightening! This is where we need some comfort from God and each other, right?!
Here are three things to comfort you through this journey:
1. God’s Faithfulness
God loves you and your kids more than we could ever imagine and he is faithful. He will do everything he can to rescue them.
2 Timothy 2:13
If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.
2. The Church
As you go through this journey rely on the family of believers. We are sources of comfort to each other or we should be.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
3. Knowing Your work was/is not in vain!
The seeds you have planted are potent and real! The work you put in in the early years will help them as they wrestle through adolescence. Believe that!
Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 55:11
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
Lastly, Give your Child to Jesus
Think of Abraham and Isaac and the idea of giving up your son/daughter. Think of God the Father and Jesus, his “one and only son”. Think of Mary’s “soul being pierced” as she had to give up her son.
We too have to do the hardest thing imaginable and hand our kids over to God.
Please take a moment to read this excerpt from the book “Sticky Faith” I would say it is the most important part of it all:
Powerful Testimony (please read):
“One day they shared a particular issue that had sent them into deep questioning and anxiety over their child’s choices during college. Then they they described picturing Jesus standing at the top of the mountain, in all his majesty and splendor, His arms were outstretched, and his eyes were filled with compassion. He was saying, without words, “let me take your child, for she is mine too. I love her, and I will be with her. Trust me.:
This Father telling me the story paused, recounting the beauty and the wonder of the memory. He then looked at me and said, “I handed our daughter to Jesus. He held her and I wept. We were so grateful and relieved. We knew the Lord was present, and real, and cared. We knew he was faithful to help her, and lift her up. Then…”
Pause.
“I just couldn’t leave her with Jesus. I couldn’t do it, even though part of me wanted to. I reached out and took her from Jesu, thanked him, and walked back down the mountain carrying our daughter, because she was our child, and we were her parents.”
I could picture the scene and wanted so desperately to leave our own child with Jesus, but I knew that like the dad sharing his heart-wrenching story, I would be tempted to pick up our child and try to control the situation myself.
I was wrestling with wanting to leave our child with Jesus and wanting to step in as the parent when the father continued, “That was our journey, or actually, my journey. My wife was able to leave her there, just as she was, lying in the arms of the Savior, who loved her. But I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t trust Him with her…until much, much later
“Take your Child to Jesus, and leave her there”
(Powell, Clark, 188-189)
Q: Think about this for yourself: what would be different about your parenting if you truly left your child with Jesus daily?
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